You know what I find funny? How every single day I hear girls around me saying “oh yeah, it’s alright that he’s gay” but when someone they know is a lesbian (whether or not they knew this already) it gets all awkward, and then that person is ignored. I was kidding, by the way. I don’t find this funny at all; I find it disgusting and sad, and I don’t get why it has to happen. Like, say, if one of my friends were a homosexual, but this was just found out, and someone else told me. I would just keep hanging out with them, because no matter with sexuality, they’re people too! The fact that I know this person is a homosexual doesn’t change anything about that person as a person, because they’ve been one all along. I think the problem is that the idea is so unexpected that it scares people away, and makes them think, and that scares them too. People, I know, have a serious fear of what they don’t know and aren’t sure of, so it’s only natural for a sudden change in the way someone’s looked at would shock someone. It’s sick though, you guys, and it needs to stop.

Also, there are major issues going on with my life that aren’t exactly real issues yet, but in the process of becoming them. Yeah, I say things that get me into trouble because, just like everyone else, my life isn’t good enough for me so I need to make people understand this. My life is a great life, you know, but it’s TOO great sometimes, and this is where the problems start.

I’m okay with being single. I have no problem with that, because I know I’m not ready for a relationship, and wasn’t during previous ones, either, which is why they failed. I can be friends with people, and that’s okay, but it doesn’t mean I have a crush on them or anything. And yeah, if I do have a crush on someone, that also doesn’t mean that I want to go out with them, or like them to the point where I would go on a killing spree if someone mentioned that they liked/were going out with the person.

All I want is a little honesty, people.

Everyone these days is so caught up in themselves and trying to make it in the world that no one appreciates how anyone else feels anymore, or even remembers how to trust. I trust a lot, really, and I trust wholly, but that’s not to say I’m without my faults. Yeah, I’m suspicious sometimes, but that’s because I know I have things to be suspicious about, since everyone’s out to get everyone else these days. I have a friend who, for some reason, could not for the life of them actually tell me what’s on their mind because they don’t want me to be mad at them, or don’t want me telling anyone else, yadda yadda. I’m sick of it, really. The only person I tell things to is my mom anymore, because I’m sick of having to make things up in order to keep secrets to myself and covering up for things I’ve let slip.

Yes, I know things that people don’t think I know, but most of them don’t bother me, and if they do, it’s not like I’m going to go on some ranting episode like this. The journal you’re reading right now is a very, very rare thing, and it’s the product of being lied to, kept things from, and having friends accused of things that I don’t even know are true.

So what if you know someone’s secret, know who’s fucking who, and knows who’s secretly gay for who? It’s none of our business, really, unless the person in question wants to tell you, and then you know that it’s not a problem, because at least you’re not being lied to. Alright, you guys, so I have a few more things to say, this time about myself.

1. I still suck my thumb, no big deal.
2. I lie, and I lie a lot, in order to keep people from being mad at me. Everyone does it, because everyone has something to be ashamed of.
3. I would never, never get mad at anyone for telling me something that they feel I did. In fact, if the person who I’ve recently done this to is reading this, I asked a question, because I heard someone else say it, and I’m sorry if it got around to other people or back to you. It was only a question.

I really hate people right now, just in case you can’t tell, and my ranting doesn’t make any sense, but I’m crying about it, and I don’t want to deal with this anymore. I could ramble off on a long string of apologies, but not only would it make me seem emo, but it would make me seem mean.

What the hell, I’m doing it anyway.

To Danielle: I’ve said things when I’m mad that I probably shouldn’t, but that was a long time ago, and that was because you’re so much better at handling yourself than I am. See, I can’t make myself even begin to seem normal, but I don’t care. I hope you can forgive me and know that I try my hardest not to, but human nature gets the better of us every once in a while, and high school sucks. You know what, though? I don’t care what’s wrong with everything, because without you I’d probably be in an insane asylum or something.

To Laura: I push you away sometimes because I worry, but I worry about whether or not you’re making me seem weirder than I actually am. You’re still the best friend I have in the immediate area, though.

To Dana: I’m sorry I can’t be any fun, but I’d be lying if I said I could deal with any of this.

I don’t even know what the point of this is anymore, but I’m scared of what I’m doing to myself, since it seems to be on the verge of ruining my whole life. I hate it and I wish it wasn’t so complicated, but I know that if I want any friends I just have to deal with it. So, with this, I end my rambling in light of happier things, though there’s a pit in my stomach and I’m crying. Oh well, such is life, you know?